As I write this, a lot of editing is taking place so you can have my ebook “How to Find your Soulmate – Simple Steps to Find your Soulmate and Create a Meaningful and Lasting Romantic Relationship” in your hands next week.
When I started working with singles back in 2004, I interviewed men and women looking for love. We would always discuss what they wanted in a potential partner and based on that we would start working towards getting results.
I have interviewed thousands of singles in the last 10 years, and today people are still holding on to the same criteria when they look for love. Those wrong views makes them repeat mistakes that lead to broken hearts, pain, confusion, loneliness, separation, depression and divorce.
Most of the failures that people have in their relationships take place because they are confused about the things that are important in a partner and the things that are only attractive. They don’t know what is really needed to create a happy lasting relationship.
A relationship is like a car that needs to run on all four wheels. Similarly, all four qualities are needed for a relationship to flourish: chemistry and attraction, compatibility, relationship capability and same life goals.
However, even though all four qualities are important, only two qualities are absolutely indispensable for a relationship to be happy, healthy and everlasting.
Sadly, when singles look for love, they focus too much on the first two qualities. They completely ignore the last two – which are the most important ones responsible for happy and everlasting relationships.
Let’s look at these qualities in detail:
1) Chemistry and attraction are related to physical chemistry and your own personal definition of beauty and what’s appealing.
Chemistry is that initial intense feeling of excitement produced by chemicals– including dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin – that stimulate your brain’s pleasure center when you meet someone that you find physically and emotionally attractive. The sparks and the “butterflies in your stomach” rarely last beyond 18 months and are very often, are confused with love.
Attraction and chemistry – no matter how strong they may be – cannot keep two people together for the rest of their lives.
2) Compatibility is related to the common interests that people have and is not indispensable for creating a long lasting relationship.
Having a lot of compatibility only means that there will be more things to do, share and talk about; it doesn’t necessarily ensure happiness.
E.g., Partners don’t have to be passionate about golf to have a happy everlasting relationship.
3) Relationship Capability – a relationship will be good or bad depending on the relationship capability of the ones involved.
Having a High Relationship Capability means that you offer your partner kindness, selflessness, consistency, commitment, flexibility, understanding and patience. This stands true even in challenging times. Your Relationship Capability grows with time and is based on how you treat your partner. Like a muscle, it can be exercised to grow.
4) Same life goals – for a couple to remain happy, they need to have the same life goals. Even if they love each other and have very high relationship capability, having different goals in life will only enable them to stay happy for a limited time. E.g. If one partner wants to have kids and the other doesn’t, or one partner wants to continue actively working and the other is looking to retire young and travel the world, their relationship could come with an expiration date.
Trying to make it work when life goals are different is like trying to mix oil with water. If one of the partners drops their own life desires just to keep the relationship alive, resentment follows – It will start growing slowly inside their heart and sooner or later, will kill their relationship.
Resentment is the cancer of the relationships and is the number one reason for unsuccessful relationships.
When people are young, they are attracted to looks. But, when you are looking for your soulmate to create an everlasting relationship, it is very important to know the things that are fundamental and most important in a partner.
You can’t bake a good pie without the main ingredients. You can’t build a relationship if the most important ingredients are lacking. Your potential partner must have high relationship capability and share your life goals.
It is never wise to compromise on the important things.
You could compromise on attraction, chemistry and compatibility. By saying this I am not telling you to get into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to, have zero chemistry with or has no compatibility with you.
What I mean is that you can have a happy everlasting relationship with someone who is not a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie in terms of looks and attraction. Or someone who enjoys doing different things than the ones you enjoy.
What will never work for you is to create a relationship with someone who wants to live in the country whereas you want to live in the city. Someone who doesn’t want to create a family if you want to. Or someone who is not flexible, patient, kind and committed to you.
By making wrong decisions when picking your partner, you are planting the seeds to your own unhappiness. It will just never work.
Choose a man for how he treats you, not how excited you are about him or how handsome he is.
At the beginning of next year I will guide a workshop for a selected group of women who want to make 2015 the year they find their soul mate, get engaged and maybe even married.
You will get a complete new tool kit for dating that really works and I will share with you the secret to a man’s heart. You will also learn where to find quality men and how to connect with them so they will be interested in you. Most importantly, you will learn to make new choices in relationships and FIND YOUR SOULMATE. YES, FINALLY.
To your most fulfilling romantic relationship!